Posted By Compassion Services on Jul 11, 2013 | 1 comment

Our moods are strongly affected by our perceptions or thoughts. If I am angry, it usually has something to do with something I am feeling or thinking. Same with all our moods – thoughts and feelings are hugely influential. In order to calm down (self soothe) or, using the balloon metaphor, let some air out of the balloon (see previous blogs) we often need to address our thoughts and perceptions.

What I have found in my personal life and counselling many others is that 1+1 often equals 5! What do I mean? Well often something is said or something happens to us and let’s say its 2/10 in intensity yet we react as if it is an 8/10. Wooah- what’s happening? Let me give you an example. About 10 years ago after recently immigrating to Australia (having lost everything in Africa) we arrived and were pretty beaten up and overwhelmed. Dropping the kids off at school I was driving slowly trying to work out where to drop them off. Well the guy behind me hooted and shouted, “Get a move on you looser”. Let’s give that a 4/10. My reaction was extreme (10/10). I jumped out of my car and was on my way to “chat” to him when he thankfully drove away. The stimulus certainly didn’t equal my reaction. How often does this happen in our marriages. Something is said and we react at a much higher level.

This is where using perception and thought in self soothing comes in. Let me take you through the steps:

1. Something is said or done.
2. I feel an intensity of emotion of say 8/10. ( really strong)
3. If I don’t self sooth my immediate reaction will be to act at an 8/10 level. (inevitable carnage will follow)
4. If I take control (remember this is step 1 in self soothing) I can ask myself the following questions:  How am I feeling … (8/10) this is perception.

What caused it? (Now entering into thought process)

What level was this stimulus? Maybe it was 3/10.

Where does the difference (5/10) come from? Very simply the 5/10 is our own stuff. Maybe I’m tired, maybe this is an area where I have been wounded in the past, maybe I’m hiding something etc

As I realise the gap between my perception and my thought or between what I felt and what happened, I can begin to process this. This is self soothing! So, back to my example at the school. If I took control and accessed the situation I would quickly have realised that my emotions were as a result of moving country, feeling vulnerable etc etc and had very little to do with the idiot (no not me – the other one) in the car. As I realised this I would have been able to let some of the air out of my over inflated balloon. Makes sense, but is quite hard to do. One of the tricks when doing this is to deliberately breathe deeply and slowly. Try 3 seconds in, 3 seconds out. I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. This is calming. It helps sooth the emotions. If you are a visual person try adding this. See yourself breathing in clean air and breathing out tension (or anger or whatever you are feeling). If we do this we can soothe our emotions. This gives us the opportunity to act from the best of us, instead of reacting and doing and saying things that we regret later.

Another valuable way of self soothing is using mindfulness practices. I love to do this in Nature (in a forest or on the banks of a river) but this will need to be the topic of another blog.

Would love some feedback if you try this and it helps.

Andy P