Posted By Compassion Services on Jul 19, 2013 | 2 comments

We are now looking at the heart circle or the deepest core of who we are as humans.

Just a quick recap; The last few blogs have all involved self soothing which is essential if we are to interact in our primary (actually all) relationships from our true selves or the best of us. Whenever we react and just blurt things out it usually comes from an attempt to decrease anxiety or at least defend ourselves. This is a natural reaction in all of us.

To be undefended or to be able not to react to things or deeds that have provoked us requires us to have a strong identity and self worth. Hurt people…hurt people. The wounded buffalo (African heritage- I can’t help it) is very, very dangerous. So it is with us, when our identity is shaky or when our self worth is low, we generally go into defence mode. Touch me and I’ll bite!

When our self worth and our identity are low self soothing is very difficult. We feel exposed and vulnerable and hence are defensive. This defensiveness makes it very difficult to take control which is necessary if we are to self soothe. When a relationship gets to a stage where one or both parties are struggling with poor identity and low self worth the chance of escalating conflict is great. Can I say, “ it is pretty well guaranteed.” When the people in the relationship get to this stage talk of self soothing almost becomes irrelevant until the personal deficiencies are addressed. I firmly believe that this is the most fundamental blockage to the resolution of conflict in relationships as the people involved loose the capacity to self soothe and interact from the best of them. As a result communication is often hostile or extremely polite and superficial.

I see this play out in my counselling room daily. The worse a persons’ identity and self worth is, the lower their chances to self soothe and have empathy. They are defensive and guarded. I know this is true because I have been there.

So what can be done? I have seen many people address identity issues and low self worth in a relatively short period of time. Often these problems are based on past hurts and wounding. Whatever the cause these problems must be addressed. It is the only way forward. The issues of identity and self worth are so foundational, that to build any relationship without addressing these core issues would be foolish. Building on the sand- without a foundation!

Can it be done alone? I know it can – but I needed a guide. I was fortunate to have a great counsellor who step by step helped me recognise who I am and to see my value (and at the same time reject attacks on my self-worth) I strongly advocate that if you are suffering from poor identity and low self-worth that you consider getting some help from someone who can help you along this road. Fortunately the stigma of seeing a counsellor is decreasing. People are realising that it takes great courage to take control and live a purposeful life (instead of just drifting along – reacting to your circumstances). Find someone who you can trust, someone who gets you, and someone who will help you find the very best of YOU.

Please email me if you have any questions or comments regarding this topic. Andy P (andy@livingreal.com.au)